Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Just in case you've forgotten...

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

(Unofficial) State Mottos

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alabama: Like the Third World, but Closer! (thanks to Jim Villani)
Alabama: Keeping it in the Family Since 1819 (thanks to Robert Pfaff)

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Alaska: Jeez, it's Cold.
Alaska: Yeah, But It's a Dry Cold. (thanks to Andy Hynds)

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arizona: Soon To Be the Pacific Coast State (thanks to Michelle Steiner)

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
Arkansas: Attention K-Mart Shoppers! (thanks to Mike Tamburri)

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: Now 100% John Denver Free! (thanks to John Mozena)
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
Connecticut: The Middle C is silent, Ca**hole. (thanks to Mike Dougherty)

Delaware: Everything is Smaller Here!
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Get Off of My State, You Kids! (thanks to Joe Lex)
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Florida: So Close, You Can Smell Fidel (thanks to Jim Villani)
Florida: More Than Just a Great Place to Die (thanks to Joe Lex)
Florida: America's Wang

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Idaho: You Can Be Da Ho Next (thanks to Ken Hirlinger)

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Indiana: Dan Quayle's Favorite Country! (thanks to Nabeel Ibrahim)

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things with Corn

Kansas: First of the Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, but That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, but We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Massachusetts: Now with 30% Fewer Kennedys! (thanks to Brian DiMattia)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come and Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Missouri: Loves Company! (thanks to Ilene Morgan)

Montana: Land Of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nebraska: The "N" is for Knowledge (thanks to Chris Pultz)
Nebraska: Land of Two Seasons - Winter and Construction

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Hampshire: Just Like Old Hampshire, but Newer

New Jersey: What Smell? (thanks to James Rouse)
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New Mexico: Cleaner than Regular Mexico

New York: You Have the Right To Remain Silent, You Have the Right To an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Ohio: Where One of Your Dad's Friends Lives
Ohio: It's Not Just "Hello" in Japanese (thanks to Lara Allan)

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
Rhode Island: Small, Yes, But We Know What to Do with It! (thanks to Joe Lex)

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep
Vermont: Gettin' Busy with New Hampshire since 1791

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wisconsin: Come Smell our Dairy Air

Wyoming: Where Men are Men (And The Sheep are Scared)

Thanks to Funny2.com