Why?

Software upgrade warning!!!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING)

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REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best Wishes,
Tech Support

Found at Mile High Top Sites.

Clients: the other white meat

For everyone who's ever had to deal with clients - and that probably means all of us - here's something you'll appreciate. Read on and enjoy.

You can truly find ANYTHING on the interweb!

Found this while Stumbling on the web.

Initial reaction: I laughed my ass off...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

But then: the more I thought about it the more sense it made...hmmm

And so: I started looking around the site to learn more...and that's when I found the Humor page. Make sure you click on the "Worst Date Ever" link. Repeat laughing your ass off...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Overheard in a court room

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

That's why it's called Canadian football

Like most guys, I'm into my football, making this the greatest time of the year. Stumbled Upon this hilarious clip of an end zone celebration in the CFL. Doesn't look like much until you see it from a different angle at the end of the clip. Funny as hell!

Just hug it out baby

Memorial Day 2007 and I have chalked up yet another quintessential Seinfeld moment. We're enjoying a nice cookout at our friends Monica and Hunter's place. Helen and I are sitting on their sofa chatting with another couple when the first bailers start making the rounds to say their goodbyes.

We stand as this nice couple we met earlier in the evening approach (I'll call them Tony and Laurie to protect the innocent).

"Nice to meet you."

"Good luck with house hunting."

"Maybe we'll see you again."

Just as we enter the handshake zone, Laurie makes an almost imperceptible lean towards me. A gesture that was not accompanied by extended arms, and somewhat tentative and hesitant. Uncertain. That's probably the best description.

In the milliseconds that pass between Laurie's lean and my reaction, my brain has deciphered her movement and processed the various reasons, assumptions and responses available to me. I remember my mind making lightning quick calculations and concluding that Laurie must be one of those touchy-feely people who hug on the first meeting. Maybe it was because we'd had a pretty engaging conversation earlier in the evening, or that I'd observed how affectionate she was with her son. In any case, I found myself leaning forward in a hug.

As I reached my arms toward her, Laurie's posture stiffened and her forward momentum jolted to a halt for just a nanosecond, before her torso continued on its collision path with mine. All of a sudden I found myself in a time freeze, where everything in the physical world crawled like a slow motion video. That fraction of a second between my realization that something was terribly wrong and the consummation of our awkward hug seemed like an eternity. Only the synaptic connection between thought, recognition and embarrassment moved at hypersonic speed.

"Oh crap...what did I do? She wasn't looking for a hug you idiot!"

As we engaged in the ridiculously embarrassing hug - complete with exaggerated forward lean and staccato back patting - I realized that Laurie had simply been reaching for her purse, which was sitting on the end table behind me.

If my friends were not as nice, I probably would have been the butt of laughter and ribbing. And if I had more Jim Carey in me, I probably would have gone all the way and just given her a crazy-faced two minute hug. Alas, neither happened and it will simply be filed under another cruel moment of cosmic comedy.