Why?

Just in case you've forgotten...

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

(Unofficial) State Mottos

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alabama: Like the Third World, but Closer! (thanks to Jim Villani)
Alabama: Keeping it in the Family Since 1819 (thanks to Robert Pfaff)

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Alaska: Jeez, it's Cold.
Alaska: Yeah, But It's a Dry Cold. (thanks to Andy Hynds)

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arizona: Soon To Be the Pacific Coast State (thanks to Michelle Steiner)

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
Arkansas: Attention K-Mart Shoppers! (thanks to Mike Tamburri)

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: Now 100% John Denver Free! (thanks to John Mozena)
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
Connecticut: The Middle C is silent, Ca**hole. (thanks to Mike Dougherty)

Delaware: Everything is Smaller Here!
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Get Off of My State, You Kids! (thanks to Joe Lex)
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Florida: So Close, You Can Smell Fidel (thanks to Jim Villani)
Florida: More Than Just a Great Place to Die (thanks to Joe Lex)
Florida: America's Wang

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Idaho: You Can Be Da Ho Next (thanks to Ken Hirlinger)

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Indiana: Dan Quayle's Favorite Country! (thanks to Nabeel Ibrahim)

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things with Corn

Kansas: First of the Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, but That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, but We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Massachusetts: Now with 30% Fewer Kennedys! (thanks to Brian DiMattia)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come and Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Missouri: Loves Company! (thanks to Ilene Morgan)

Montana: Land Of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nebraska: The "N" is for Knowledge (thanks to Chris Pultz)
Nebraska: Land of Two Seasons - Winter and Construction

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Hampshire: Just Like Old Hampshire, but Newer

New Jersey: What Smell? (thanks to James Rouse)
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New Mexico: Cleaner than Regular Mexico

New York: You Have the Right To Remain Silent, You Have the Right To an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Ohio: Where One of Your Dad's Friends Lives
Ohio: It's Not Just "Hello" in Japanese (thanks to Lara Allan)

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
Rhode Island: Small, Yes, But We Know What to Do with It! (thanks to Joe Lex)

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep
Vermont: Gettin' Busy with New Hampshire since 1791

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wisconsin: Come Smell our Dairy Air

Wyoming: Where Men are Men (And The Sheep are Scared)

Thanks to Funny2.com

Gross...but I still laughed my ass off

Anticipation

As we get ready to leave in the morning, Jack starts following us around in anticipation. He sits on the runner in the foyer near the coat closet looking at us quizzically - are you gonna take me somewhere today?

Software upgrade warning!!!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING)

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best Wishes,
Tech Support

Found at Mile High Top Sites.

Spoons

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use
the spoon."

Found on the web. Dedicated to all my friends who used to work at Andersen Consulting...or in restaurants.

We miss H&H Bagels

Since moving from New Yawk, we've missed our H&H Bagels (lox and cream cheese for Helen, cream cheese and jelly for me). Luckily for us there is a local bagel place near work that comes close. Blazing Bagels certainly aims to please - making fresh bagels every day in a wide and unique variety. Snickerdoodle, Jalepeno, French Toast, Cheddar & Chive, Asiago. They're even getting trendy introducing "healthy" bagels - their latest creation has ZERO fat...

I also love that they have a sense of humor.

The acrimony toward the Redmond city council stems from a legal battle. Unfortunately, Blazing Bagels is poorly located on a dead end street in a corner of Redmond that's full of small manufacturing and warehouse buildings, so the owner hired a guy to wear a giant sandwich board and wave at passing drivers on nearby, heavily trafficked SR-202. The city council issued a cease and desist order, which Blazing Bagels fought on the grounds that human signage advertising was allowed to other types of commerce and organizations - such as signs for open houses, car washes, and political candidacy. Needless to say, Blazing Bagels won their fight, and I imagine this sign over their door went up soon after.

Musical breaks out at the food court

Another great flash mob prank from Improv Everywhere.

You gotta be tough to be President

Found this little gem at Urban Outfitters. No matter whether you're a Democrat, Republican, or Apathetist, ya gotta love a country that has the balls to make fun of itself and its potential Presidents.

Question of the day:

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Almost Perfect 18-1

What a great Super Bowl! I wasn't especially excited this year since one by one all my teams fell like dominos. First and foremost I'm a Jets fan...I know I know...they are awful, and the season basically ended after like week 5 for me.

After week 5 I started rooting for the Colts, because I like Peyton Manning, and also because they're my homie PJ's team. Wham! They lose in the divisional round and Peyton's going on early vacation.

As a transplant to Seattle, I get to root for a decent Seahawks team, and they look like they're jelling at just the right time. Bam! They run into Favre and Grant at Lambeau and wilt like pretenders.

After that performance against the Hawks, I couldn't help but hope that Favre would take it all the way to XLII to face the unholy Patriots, but they let that dream slip away.

So Super Bowl this year was down to a team I didn't care about and a team I absolutely hate. Aaarrrgh! Where's the justice? But the fates rewarded me with a tight nail-biter of a game, setting up a dramatic 4th quarter which pulled at your guts. What an awesome finish, and what fun to watch the Patriots blow their season and their chance at history! I loved how they came up just short, and how they will suffer this loss painfully for a very long time. Yay G-men! Hahahahahahaha.

Grand Central Frozen

You've undoubtedly heard of flash mobs. Here's a very cool version in New York's Grand Central Station organized by Improv Everywhere.

Hey There Delilah (My Version)

Starts off like some dude covering the Plain White T's, but actually pretty funny - in a sick sorta way.

Clients: the other white meat

For everyone who's ever had to deal with clients - and that probably means all of us - here's something you'll appreciate. Read on and enjoy.

Gangsta graphing - it's the new hardcore nerd

Ted posted a gangsta graph on his blog recently, so here's one I found to respond. Gangsta graph duel anyone?

You can truly find ANYTHING on the interweb!

Found this while Stumbling on the web.

Initial reaction: I laughed my ass off...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

But then: the more I thought about it the more sense it made...hmmm

And so: I started looking around the site to learn more...and that's when I found the Humor page. Make sure you click on the "Worst Date Ever" link. Repeat laughing your ass off...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Overheard in a court room

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

That's why it's called Canadian football

Like most guys, I'm into my football, making this the greatest time of the year. Stumbled Upon this hilarious clip of an end zone celebration in the CFL. Doesn't look like much until you see it from a different angle at the end of the clip. Funny as hell!

Man Law: Write it out before you hyphenate

When Helen and I got married, she did not hesitate for one second in deciding not to hyphenate her last name. Here are a few more examples of when that's not such a good idea.