Gross...but I still laughed my ass off

Anticipation

As we get ready to leave in the morning, Jack starts following us around in anticipation. He sits on the runner in the foyer near the coat closet looking at us quizzically - are you gonna take me somewhere today?

Software upgrade warning!!!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING)

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best Wishes,
Tech Support

Found at Mile High Top Sites.

Spoons

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use
the spoon."

Found on the web. Dedicated to all my friends who used to work at Andersen Consulting...or in restaurants.

Simply Genius

As an American with an Asian heritage, I've always been fascinated with the topic of dichotomy between East and West. Liu Yang's work beautifully presents the cultural, philosophical, and societal contrasts between East and West. The simplistic art forms speak to how she has powerfully distilled a complex topic into its essence.

Arriba a Roomba!

Helen finally convinced me that we should get a Roomba to automate our base elevation cleaning. Her research assured her the 5th generation sucking robotic mechanism doesn't...well, suck. Now we can just press a button and the little sucker comes to life and traipses around our rooms to hoover up all the stuff that loses out to gravity. The Roomba vectors its way around the entire room, crawling under places that we'd skip because it's too much of a pain to move that lamp or chair. We can even program it to run automatically at set times. After it's finished, it scurries back to its base to re-energize and wait for the next cleaning opportunity. Pretty neat.

We miss H&H Bagels

Since moving from New Yawk, we've missed our H&H Bagels (lox and cream cheese for Helen, cream cheese and jelly for me). Luckily for us there is a local bagel place near work that comes close. Blazing Bagels certainly aims to please - making fresh bagels every day in a wide and unique variety. Snickerdoodle, Jalepeno, French Toast, Cheddar & Chive, Asiago. They're even getting trendy introducing "healthy" bagels - their latest creation has ZERO fat...

I also love that they have a sense of humor.

The acrimony toward the Redmond city council stems from a legal battle. Unfortunately, Blazing Bagels is poorly located on a dead end street in a corner of Redmond that's full of small manufacturing and warehouse buildings, so the owner hired a guy to wear a giant sandwich board and wave at passing drivers on nearby, heavily trafficked SR-202. The city council issued a cease and desist order, which Blazing Bagels fought on the grounds that human signage advertising was allowed to other types of commerce and organizations - such as signs for open houses, car washes, and political candidacy. Needless to say, Blazing Bagels won their fight, and I imagine this sign over their door went up soon after.

Musical breaks out at the food court

Another great flash mob prank from Improv Everywhere.

You gotta be tough to be President

Found this little gem at Urban Outfitters. No matter whether you're a Democrat, Republican, or Apathetist, ya gotta love a country that has the balls to make fun of itself and its potential Presidents.

Question of the day:

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?